Cris la Scris

Own your needs! Why being independent while “needy” is normal.

Do you get that feeling of loneliness and neediness that haunts you from time to time?

That sensation that doesn’t let you to sleep, that anxiety that overwhelmes your entire body, that panick that found home into your bones… the fear of abandonment, the fear of losing the dear one… when you don’t receive the attention you need.

All of us, especially women, are often told that to neglect our neediness feelings in relationships, and play the “badass” and always “strong” version of ourselves. We confuse neediness with the lack of independence and strenght. This mythical theory emphasizes the idea that this way of behaving, no matter what are our thoughts and feelings, will bring us the benefits of  a long lasting relationship with someone we love.


Let’s take a closer look!

The fact is that being needy, first of all, means to be human… that’s why there is a Maslow pyramid that contains “the need for apartenence” too. It’s normal to be needy sometimes and to seek to satisfy your own needs. It’s part of who we are, of who you are, and embracing it, we embrace ourselves.

We want someone in our lives that truly embrace ourselves, with strenghts and flaws… and that person wouldn’t be scared of our assumed vulnerability, of our assumed share of who we are in the less shiny moments… ’cause we, beside the light, embody the darkness too.

To assume that you are needy to yourself is one huge step into self-love, into accepting yourself, into the relationship with who you are and into improving the relationship with the dear one. It’s part of being vulnerable and honest with the other too.

By contrary, judging our neediness, we repress our emotions, feelings and we enter a loop that makes us even needier and always craving for affection from the other, what scares us. In these conditions we feel unsatisffied inside and lonely, entering the vicious loop, and searching unconsciously to manipulate the dear one.

There are 2 types of reactions to that:

  1. We play it strong, trying to ignore the dear one too, we don’t talk about it and we hide that we suffer in silence
  2. We become angry and we attach blame to the dear one, instead of offering some empathy for him/her to his/her own needs too

In both cases we hurt ourselves first, and then… we don’t reach a deeper level of the relationship with the dear one and moreover, we damage ourselves, our souls.

It’s cool to be an independent woman or man, but this true independence involves accepting and expressing who you are first… and set and share your boundaries.

You are supposed to love yourself by accepting flaws, owning what you feel and getting the strenght to ask and collaborate with your lover to fulfill the needs of both.

Breathe. Own what you feel! Own your needs! Be a REAL independent woman/man!

Be brave!



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